I just saw a commercial for a doll who makes dirty diapers. What’s next? A toy dog that requires a walk at 5am and a pooper scooper?
In said commercial, a little girl says (in her terrible 9yr old acting voice) “Oh no, her diaper needs to be changed!” And then she goes off to change it. Where, oh WHERE, is the pleasure in THIS? I’ll tell you where… it’s in the sick subconscious part of little girls’ minds that tells them that having a baby of their own to take care of is the only fail-safe, guaranteed route to happiness.
Granted, I had a doll when I was a kid who had a hole where here unmentionables would have been, and whenever I put water in her mouth it fell out the bottom end, and it – was – awesome!
I love my daughter. Taking care of her is the best thing ever. But changing her diaper? It makes me feel neither closer to her, nor does it make me feel like more of a woman. As my friend Jeff, who has two daughters, said when I asked him if he wanted more kids, “No more sh*t. I’m sick of cleaning sh*t!” And I’m sure he loves his daughters as much as I do mine.
Back to the a-baby-will-complete-you theory…
I was innocently walking with the Monkey through a toy store on the Upper West Side two days ago, perusing the girlie toys on my way to the musical instrument section (yes, my 9 month old is a musical geeeenius) when I suddenly heard, “Hi Mommy”. My child is bright, I’ll have you know, but the girl is not up to quite that level of brilliance yet. So I looked around… no other child in sight, nor a Mommy to go with it. Until there, on the shelf behind me, I saw this:
This creepy little Scandinavian (no offense to the Scandinavians) child was saying hello to me… like I’m the one who bore it… like I’m the one who nurses it… like I’m the one paying for it to go to college! No. I won’t have it. I won’t have some foreign-made piece of plastic wearing a tacky purple ensemble watching me go by with its invasive motion sensor and calling ME Mommy!
And you know, I bet she poops too.
To all those little girls out there, enjoy your fake baby while the fake poopy lasts, and remember that neither the fake baby, nor the fake poopy will complete you as a woman.
But changing a real diaper, with real poopy in it, will certainly strengthen your pain threshold, and for some of us, that’s all we need.